Trimming the Fat

You would think that since I had just freed up at least 45 hours of my life per week, that I would have time do everything. This is was the fantasy that I dreamed about during my last few weeks at work-I would finally have enough time to do everything. My house would stay perfectly clean, I would read all of the books that I had always wanted to read, I would make dinner every night, work-out and in my spare time become an entrepreneur and I would still have time to socialize and keep everyone else happy. What could go wrong?

Well, the first thing that I realized after I left my job was that making it all happen was going to be difficult. But my reason isn’t the conclusion that you’ve jumped to. It isn’t because I don’t know how to prioritize or how to manage my time. It was because I realized how many activities that I participate in that are
superfluous to my values and priorities. I realized how often I made excuses in order to avoid doing things that I didn’t want to do with people that I didn’t want to interact with. You know those conversations. It is that perpetual conversation with a co-worker that you keep promising to go to happy hour with but somehow you never have the time. It is the friend that you keep saying that you should call but somehow never get around to calling. I always made excuses in these situations. “I am just so busy right now; I have been meaning to call you. I promise that I will do it soon”. I found myself in these situations since I left the job and realized that I could no longer fall back on this excuse. It was nerve-racking. These were my friends, right? Why didn’t I want to spend time with them? Am I a horrible person?
What I realized was that I do like these people. But hanging out with people because you think that you should is a horrible way to exist. Now, this is so natural when you have the 9-5 mentality. As an employee, you become the master of killing time and coming with seemingly legitimate reason for doing so. Pointless meetings, unnecessary status updates, mindless emails are common staples in the corporate world. It only makes sense that this mindset would transfer into your social life and interactions. You go to meetings because that is what people in business do and you go for drinks because that is supposed to be how you socialize.

I didn’t realize how closely related my professional actions were tied to my personal life. But immediately after quitting, I started trimming the fat, so to speak, from the rest of my life. I realized that I had developed some horrible habits in how I spent my time and that those habits were going to be hard to break. I was going out to coffee with that girlfriend who, while a nice person, is a complete drain on my energy and my time and I knew that if I didn’t start eliminating these activities from my life, that my new found freedom would be nothing more but a blur of meaningless small talk and cocktails.
Now, that doesn’t mean that I am abandoning all who I care about. This is not a manifesto for “hermit-dom”, nor is it an argument that no one is worth my time. Far from it! The difference is that it is so easy to fall into doing activities just because we think that we “should” do it not because we “want” to do it. I am still laying around in my PJ’s with my husband on Saturday morning—but I want to do it. I am having lunches with my professional contacts and friends—but they are the only the ones that I want to see. I am catching up with friends and family and making sure that I call my grandma—the difference is that I do it when I actually want to and it is much more rewarding.

I am still far from where I want to be. I still find myself playing Spider Solitaire every now and then although not as bad as before. I am still slightly addicted to home decorating shows—I just watch them now only when I am folding the laundry. I still have a hard time saying no to a friend who invites me out and feel slightly guilty for rejecting the invitation. I find myself ready to make excuses and justifications for my actions. I don’t like disappointing people and I know that I am going to lose some friends because of these choices. But if I don’t have the courage to reject a lunch invitation, how can I expect to have the courage to achieve my goals. My time is precious and it is mine to spend and also to deal with the consequences of how I spend it.

Mental Laziness

I have noticed a phrase that has angered me to my core recently and I haven't been able to pinpoint why. The phrase is simply:

"I am a laid-back person".

The idea of being laid back is something that our culture generally respects and most people admire. I looked in my handy Webster Dictionary and the official definition is "having a relaxed style or character". It seems perfectly reasonable that someone would describe themselves as "laid-back". I had to ask myself the question, if being "laid-back" angers me, then would I find the opposite satisfying? If you were to ask me what the opposite of laid-back is, I would respond that it is being uptight. Now, no one likes someone who is uptight. What does uptight mean according to Webster? "Tense, nervous, uneasy". Well...that doesn't sound like someone that I want to hang out with at all.

After some brief reflection, I decided that the phrase itself doesn't actually bother me. In fact, I actually strive to be more on the laid-back side of the spectrum. What I find abhorrent is the use of the phrase by people who use it as an excuse for being indecisive or taking action. Being relaxed is not synonymous with indecisiveness or being indifferent. I can best articulate this with a recent example from my own experience.

I recently sent an email to a group of women, who I enjoy spending my time with, expressing my interest in redirecting our regular meetings. While the responses were generally positive, there were a few that I received which stated "I am pretty laid-back so I don't have a preference". Initially, I couldn't decide what I didn't like about these responses. I would actually agree with them: they ARE laid-back people. So why does the declaration of that fact aggravate me so deeply?

Well, there are a few reasons. The first, I did not appreciate that the statement of my opinion or my intent was somehow associated with being uptight. I was neither uneasy, nervous or tense. I was completely confident and comfortable with expressing my opinion. However, the argument that they were ultimately making was completely unrelated to my statement of opinion. It was the fact that they were absent of opinion and that this was somehow an indicator of their "laid-back" personality. Now, I have mentioned that I enjoy spending time with these women so my intent is not to bash them at all. I am not taking issue with them , but the cultural pretenses which allow this type of thinking to exist.

Being decisiveness and opinionated should never be demonized nor should it ever be confused with being uptight. It is possible to have a relaxed disposition AND have strong opinions and express those opinions and thoughts.

Likewise, being laid-back should not be used as a substitute for being indifferent. Say you are indifferent if you don't have an opinion--being laid back has absolutely nothing to do with it.

My Cognitive Surplus

I watched a fascinating video clip of Clay Shirky at the 2008 Web 2.0 Expo that I felt compelled to share (you can watch the video clip below). The talk that he gives at the Expo is about the cognitive surplus that exists in society and how that surplus is being carved out by social media which he refers to as an "architecture of participation". He talks about the cognitive surplus that has been created by our modernized economy since the end of World War II and how that surplus has been managed and controlled by passive media. Now, in the twenty first century, we are witnessing a social shift due to the fact that society is waking up from its stupor of merely consuming media and wants to participate with it. While this is fascinating as it relates to the role of media and information in society, this is not the reason for this post. I feel that the same principles that Shirky discusses in the context of media, have relevance for me and for people despite their relationship with social media.

"Doing something is better than doing nothing". Shirky argues that spending hours in your basement playing World of Warcraft is better than mindlessly watching TV. Why? Due to the level of participation. Now, I do not think that spending time playing WOW is a worthwhile use of my time or my cognitive surplus, but neither is TV. But let's break outside of the confines of media to pursue this line of argument further. The assertion is that producing is better than consuming and that sharing is better than absorbing. Almost everyone has a cognitive surplus that they consciously (or unconsciously) decide to spend engaging in a variety of activities--most of them passive consumption rather than active production.

I was a dance major in college and while I believe that I have lost the desire to dance professionally, there is an essential quality of dancing that I miss greatly--the act of creating. I created 8 pieces of choreography my senior year of college. While none of them would be considered masterpieces by any standard, I held an enormous amount of satisfaction in that achievement. Since graduation, I have lost my creative nature. I don't necessarily mean in the entirely artistic sense either. I mean it in the sense that I no longer engage in the act of creating whether that is creating a dance, a flower garden, or a blog post. When you are involved in the act of creating you are not just producing for the sake of production but you are acting with purpose.